| Changes in the line up |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|09:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Unknown | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Steeler Game | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"And they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look the same."-Weeds
Oh man, it's been a long time since I last posted in this, eh? Things have just been so busy. Where do I even begin?
I gave my first sermon ever a few weeks ago. It went really well, and the kids seemed to respond well to it. I made my boss cry. I think she would've cried regardless, as she usually cries whenever she's proud of her kids (and I don't care how old I get, I'm still going to be one of her kids), but I also think she really liked it. Brian and Wil were also pretty impressed. That, along with some other events the week of the mission trip, helped clarify some things for me. I'm going to wait until I know it won't be a problem for me, and then I'm going to go to seminary. I still want to be a playwright, and I still want to go out and make a difference in the world, but I think this is a way I can do that. People say that you shouldn't go to seminary unless you feel called to ministry by God, and I always wondered about that. How do you know? Right now, I get it. For my whole life, writing and theatre have been what make me feel alive, make me feel like life is worth living. Church makes me feel that way, too. I want to spend the rest of my life using my skills to go out and show people that God loves all people, including the GLBT ones, and that no one can tell you otherwise. I want to spread the word that God made us the way we are, and that we're okay. I can do this through playwriting (I'm working on that right now, actually), but I can also do this through ministry. I just know I'm meant for this.
I start grad school in a week. Everybody asks me if I'm excited. I say I'm scared. No one has gotten that reference thus far. I am scared, though. Am I really ready for this? Will I do well? Will people like me? Will people give me a hard time for being of the rainbow persuasion? I'm always really nervous in new situations. I bet it'll be okay. I bet I'll do well and make friends and, who knows, maybe even more. Just have to stay positive.
Speaking of which, there may be another set of shoes. I was avoiding talking about it, since I didn't want to jinx it, but I'm certain I already have, so I might as well. They are Keens, shoes that I want very much as I really like them, but for some reason never seem to have. I mean, I can name a million reasons why I don't ever have shoes. I dunno, this pair seem kinda cool. It would be nice to check them out again, to see how much I really want to wear them. I just need to get the chance. Damn it, how come I never get a chance?
So, I'm in the middle of moving. My new place is a mess because of all the boxes and stuff, and I still have more stuff at the old place. I have a comfy new bed, though. I like that. I need to decorate the place. I need to organize things. I need to do a lot of things. I don't know when I'll do them. I'll ask someone for help; I need it.
I wish I wasn't broke all the time. I wish my new place would just be perfect. I wish I had bus fare. I wish I had a pair of shoes. I wish time would reveal things.
-Dr. B |
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| Lessons in Living |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The Could be the Last Time"-Lights Resolve | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"If you could only see I'm different than before."-Kate Micucci
The amount of time it would take me to post about NYC is WAY greater than the amount of time I have to write this entry. I'll do it sometime later. Incidentally, you could also just find me and ask me about it. I'd love to tell stories.
What I'm actually concerned about is something that happened while I was over there, as well as something that happened here during Pgh Pride. Well, a few somethings, really. I've come to some interesting conclusions, though I'm not sure how I feel about them. Right now it's pretty indifferent. That may change.
First off, being in NYC three years after coming out was certainly a big deal. I remember that scared kid, standing alone on Christopher Street, surrounded by really funny lesbians, terrified that they'd assume I was one of them, or worse, assume I wasn't and cast me aside. I didn't who I was or what I was or anything, and as much as I wanted to be there, I also wanted to run away. I remember slinking into the Oscar Wilde bookstore, trying to hide my face as I looked around, curious and embarrassed at the same time. I remember buying three things there: a rainbow belt, a book on bisexuality, and a bracelet. I was so nervous about reading that damned book that I hunched over on the subway so that no one would be able to see it. I wore my bracelet with defiance; no one really noticed it, so it was like my own little secret. Whenever someone did notice it, I cowered away and quickly changed the subject. I only wore the belt during Pride; why else would I blatantly broadcast a sexuality I wasn't even sure belong to me? I was so unsure of who I was and so afraid to find out, yet I was anxious to see who I COULD be. When I left that fateful weekend in July, someone different came back. Sure, she was still afraid of the subway and hid her bracelet, but at least she knew why.
This time around, everything was different. I wasn't scared or shy. I knew nobody was paying attention to my (new) bracelet, but that was because I had rainbow suspenders and a shirt declaring my bisexuality. I wore my belt everywhere (except, ironically, to Pride, because of the suspenders). I openly checked out both men and women. When strangers asked me questions, I answered them. I had no shame. I was proud to be who I was, who I am. That scared kid never came back. I don't miss her.
Part of my newfound acceptance is knowing that some things have changed about my limits, and that's okay. There are certain things I would never do in public before. There are certain things I would never do with other people, and certainly not people I just met. Now, well, I don't care anymore. I'm not doing anyone any harm. I'm not hurting myself. I'm not doing anything extremely obscene, and I'm sticking to my personal morals. I'm not even having sex (and still don't plan on doing it anytime soon). I used to be so uptight and judgemental about things, and now, I don't care. I don't feel bad. I know what my limits are, I know when to stop. Until I reach that point, I'm doing just fine.
Most importantly, I know who I am, and I know what that means. I realized this weekend that, while I find boys very attractive, and some boys very funny and smart and charming, I also find them boring. Thinking about them romantically doesn't hold the same value as it once did, nor as it does for girls. I've been avoiding saying this for awhile, as I wasn't sure whether or not it was true, but now I know: I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy. I know saying that will no doubt make my life more complicated. Does that mean you're gay? No, it doesn't. Do you mean ALL men? Well, if I met one who I didn't find boring, I'd certainly love to go out with him. In fact, I've met a couple in recent memory, but they weren't the norm and they weren't interested. So, if you still like boys a little, you could just date of one them since it's easier, right? No. I don't date people because it's convenient, or because they fall into my lap and it's easier that way. I date people because, for some reason or another, I like them and am attracted to them on more than a physical level. If I meet a man who has all that and wants to date me, then fine, but I'm telling you right now that it's unlikely. I'm connecting with women, I'm more attracted to women, and all the people I've liked recently have been women. I still get to wear blue, purple, and (ick) pink, I still get to keep my bi card, and I still get to change my mind six months or a year or ten years from now, just like I did when I stopped thinking that girls were totally gross, just like I did when I had a gf but still looked at guys all the time. That's the beauty of not being monosexual: I can come as close or far to either side of the spectrum and still be bi. You don't get a say in that.
Pride has done wonders to me.
-Dr. B |
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| Rhapsody in Gay, Part 3: Dancing with Dorothy |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|09:34 am] |
Song lyric of the moment:
Sometimes, you need to be around some of your own.
Last week was Pride week for Pittsburgh. Now, I'll admit that I've been feeling a bit...what's the word...claustrophobic as of late in my closet with my straight friends. Not that I felt the need to hide myself, it's just that most of them are coupled, and they're being all couply and doing couply things, which means they're not exactly cutting edge. Having to watch couples of any kind canoodle is gross, but it's extra gross when they do it while blowing you off for watching the game at your favorite gay bar. The people I used to love for being cool enough to go to the places I was too scared to go to alone have turned into cutesy little versions of themselves. It's pretty gross. I needed an escape.
Escape came in a few forms. First Catie Scudera, best friend of the friends of Dorothy, came back and hung out and was generally the amazing person she is. Y'know how Joni Mitchell said that you don't know what you've got til it's gone? Catie's one of those people. We went with Erika to see this thing on sexuality and religion (where I ran into several members of my choir-awesome!) and then out with our old classmate Deanna to see (I kid you not) banjos. It was fun and not couply and a great time.
Next came the Pride Pub Crawl. Thanks to a combination of birthday events, the Pens game, and sheer lameness, everyone bailed on me. At the last minute I convinced Jamar to go, but that didn't end up working out the way we'd hoped. Still, determined, I decided that I was going to have the best Pride event ever, so I went from bar to bar, meeting new people and getting my free drink. While doing this, I met three friends, two a couple, one the employee of one of them. They were really cool and fun, and I had a great time. The non-coupled one, she was single, and well, you do the math (although don't do it TOO much. This is still me we're talking about). Needless to say, I had a great night.
Sunday was the parade. We only had 4 people from the church march, but we were strong and had fun. I sang at PrideFest with some other women from choir as a roaming quartet, and it worked out pretty well. I wasn't the best, but I held my own and built up some confidence in the process. Afterwards, ATV and I wandered around and looked at all the stuff. We saw a silver man and ate some tasty food (I still can't get the cheese fries out of my head). We ran into Eli and hung out with him afterwards. It was a blast.
Pride week was the best it's ever been, and I still have NYC Pride to look forward to next week! I'm super excited about it, but I'm also really happy at what happened here. I feel much better, much more confident, and far less confined by the world of straight couples. It's a really great feeling, one that I continue to carry even though other elements of my week have been cripplingly awful (an entry for another time). I am slowly carving a nitch for myself in the Pgh GLBTQ community. About damn time!
-Dr. B |
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| Rhapsody in Gay, Part 2: Hidden Behind the Fold |
[May. 30th, 2009|10:25 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"I can see things clearer. It's all smoke and mirrors."-Ben Lee
To some extent, I get it.
I've always been shy, and I've always been nervous. What people think of me usually matters way more than it should. I don't always have the right thing to say, and I'm not in the best of shape, but the one thing I can say about myself is that I'm fairly honest. Sure, I tell little white lies every now and then, but on the big stuff, I tell the truth (or at least, what I believe to be the truth. Sometimes I'm wrong, and I'm willing to admit that). For things specifically about me, it took a while for me to not be ashamed of them, but once I got over that, I ever became indifferent or proud. I can't control how big my boobs are. I'm probably always going to be one of the few black kids in my groups of friends, and that's okay. I'm not your stereotypical black person, but I know where I come from, so fuck you for calling me "white." I'm not having sex, I haven't had sex, and I probably won't have sex in the near future; the reasons make sense in my head, and if you can't handle that, we have nothing more to discuss. Boys are very cute, and some of them are quite lovely and I've love to go out with them, but I like girls as well and I'm not ashamed of that. Not anymore.
Still, not everyone is me. People are scared, people don't like themselves. Sometimes, people don't feel that the whole truth is necessary. Parents may threaten you, disown you. People may shun you. So you lie. I get it.
What I don't get, however, is lying to yourself.
A little while ago, you weren't ashamed of who you are and who you like. Being gay or bi or lez or whatever wasn't a huge part of your life, but it was something because it was part of who YOU are. Now, things are different. You don't want your boyfriend to think of you differently than he does in his mind. Your more conservative friends have become the norm. Whatever the reason, you're now back in the closet. You don't talk about "gay" things anymore. You act straighter. You make no mention of how you used to be. You're supressing. You're hiding.
Why? Do you seriously think the fallout will be so great? It never killed you before, did it? Nothing bad ever happened, and yet here you are, back to a less enlightened place. Your friends would leave you? They haven't yet, and if that's seriously what makes them walk, then they weren't worth it (and I know that's easier to say than to deal with, but it's true). If your boyfriend can't handle you also liking girls, then he's not worthy of you and your relationship will never be fully realized because you will always be lying. It's hard, I know. Life is hard. Lying doesn't make it easier; it just makes it hard in a different way.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit over the top. I have rainbow stuff all over my apartment. I have GLBT books and buttons. I prefer gay bars and clubs to straight ones. I talk about being bi all the time. The fact of the matter, though, is that I'm lonely. I don't know many people my age, and most of them are too busy to spend any time with me. I'm surrounded by straight couples and people who tell me I'm going through a phase. I do what I need to do not to feel like I'm being forced to agree. It sucks, but I do it. Why can't you?
-Dr. B
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| Rhapsody in Gay, Part 1: A Gayfully Glee Noise |
[May. 27th, 2009|05:38 pm] |
Song lyric of the moment-"If you wanna sing out, sing out"-Cat Stevens
This is the first of a trilogy.
Two weeks ago from this Friday, I performed on stage, in robes, with a choir, for the first time since high school. I sang on stage for the first time since junior year of college. Needless to say, I was a bit nervous. I had no reason to be.
First off, being the new kid has always come with its share of anxieties. Do I fit in with the group? Will the others like me? Am I being myself? Am I being too much of myself? Choir was no different, and it didn't help that I was the youngest one there. Should I be treating these women as my equals? Do I pay them the same respect as I do my friends' parents (hell, one of them WAS my friend's parent!)? Is there any kind of generation gap I should know about? Turns out, not really. It took me long enough, but I actually made friends. People are really nice and considerate and funny. The woman I stood beside, her name is Lisa, and she's a riot. People cracked jokes backstage. Lots of people asked me how I enjoyed performing and if I'd return next semester. Everyone was just so...caring. I felt like I was a little cousin in a family.
Second, the singing. Oh man, the singing! I joined the choir because I missed singing, but I didn't realize just HOW much I had missed it. I worked so hard on the music, and I only messed up two songs (one was in Italian and the other I learned the day before the concert). People said they could hear me, which meant I wasn't cowering in the corner and not singing out. It was such a rush to be under the lights, smiling and sweating and pretending to smoke (everyone thought that was funny). I truly felt alive.
Third, support. We had a contest to see who could sell the most tickets. I don't know if I won, but I know I sold a lot. When I came out after the show on Friday, the whole hall was filled with people I knew. Even my mom came! It was super exciting to see so many friends who supported me enough to buy a ticket and come. I'm so lucky to have so many people who love and care about me. I'm also highly amused at how cute my boss is when she's proud of someone; she's like a little mom!
All in all, a great experience. I can't wait to do it again!
-Dr. B |
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| "There's a part of you that wants to fight, but I never really had the appetite." |
[May. 7th, 2009|10:33 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Leave it to be taken upon the breeze. The wind is always blowing."-Gomez
My power cord is officially dead. Broken in at least 5 places. The good news is at least I have a new one on the way. Sigh...
Had my last day of youth group yesterday. There were some fights and some inappropriate name calling. I don't get it. What is going on in these kids heads that makes them think that this stuff is okay, in a church no less? Some of the kids just live in a world of their own. Some have some real issues, which is why we fight so hard to keep them where they are. I've tried my best to relax my attitude a bit and not be so quick to rise; they don't need my anger, and when they do, it's more effective if it's not my default mode. I told one kid that he was too nice and too smart and too beautiful to use the ugly words he was using, and I gave him the option of apologizing or going to talk to my boss (which isn't exactly a punishment). He chose to apologize and he did. I was impressed. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wonder if we get through to them. I guess sometimes we do.
I've been thinking about Caroline Broome lately. I suppose that's because she's the last real friend I lost. That really killed me, y'know? This right now, losing another friend, hurts as well. It hurts a lot. It's not the same, though. With Caroline, it was the first time it happened, and I had known her for 4 years, and I just didn't understand why it was happening. This, well, I did what I could. I tried to be patient. I was honest. I was direct and said what I wanted. It brought about nothing but silence. There's nothing else I can do. I guess that really sucks, too, to know you've done all you could in a situation and the other person still can't or won't meet you half way. I can't either way that things would be okay if he talked to me today, because I honestly don't know. I've lost faith that he will, though. He's surprised me with his callousness. He continues to live his life and doesn't miss me as his friend. I just have to move on, I guess. I have tons of friends, and yes, losing one hurts, but I went down fighting. I don't know what he did. He did nothing. At least Caroline apologized. Four years later, she apologized.
I'm tired of hearing about people's relationship drama. I know that I'm supposed to be a good friend and a good listener, but do I have to hear about everyone's drama. How many people have situations of not being over people? How many people can't sort things out? How many people are just simply with the wrong person? No one takes my advice anyway, and it kind of sucks to be surrounded by couples and people in emotional turmoil when it's just me, alone. I just need a break. I can't be the doctor all the time, can I? I need a doctor.
-Dr. B |
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| Let's all go to the Carnival |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|05:46 pm] |
Song lyric of the moment-"I am yours for as long as you will have me"-The Bird and the Bee
So, last weekend was Carnival. For most college students, CMU Carnival is about booth, buggy, free concerts, and getting completely smashed. For most alumni, it's about remembering glory days of booth and buggy, going to reunions with free food, and getting completely smashed. For me, it was about...well, most of those things. Not the getting smashed part, though. I stayed pretty sober.
I got to judge booth and that was fun. Now I know what booths are judged on. I wish I had known that when I was building. It makes me sad that I'll never be able to participate in that again, but the memories are all really positive, so it works out. Sometimes I wonder which I miss more: actually being in college or the memories of being in college. I mean, I'm going back to college soon (yay grad school), but it'll never be the same as before. It's not like freshman year, when I watched people moving onto Midway from a Morewood window. Or like sophomore year, when I was known as "the only person who looks good in those damned green dresses" during the Wiz. Or junior year working booth with Catie Scudera. Or senior year, when I got to dress up in Ben's suit and work booth with my girlfriend. I don't live in Morewood anymore. Kami, Danielle, Courtney, and the rest of the SnS gang I went to school with isn't around anymore (and I can't that damned dress anymore). Catie's been in India. I don't have a suit and I'm single (for now at least...). I don't get to buld booth anymore; I haven't been in a play in years. Things are just different. It's not good or bad, just different. Walking around booth with old friends (especially Kwasi) was great, and not having any responsibilites was great (I took the day off of work). Life, for a few days at least, was perfect.
Some things don't change, though. People came into town. I saw Laurel and Granger and Ash. Man, I love folks, but I didn't realize how much I miss Granger until I got to see him. I wish he was around all the time. One of us will have to move so that we can always hang. It's too important. Also the same? Aaron's sedar, which continues to be a yearly highlight. Tristan and I did our usual Saturday at Midway. It's so great, he's getting older and talks A LOT now (he's giving me a run for my money) and can do most of the booths now. He also got a free stuffed animal, because he always gets free stuff. He made me buy him something, too: a maroon (his favorite color) monkey that he quickly named "Ms. Lindsay" (this from the kid who named my stuffed otter "Uncle Cecil"). He clearly missed the irony in that. He also rode fewer rides, which meant more fun for me (I hate that stupid merry-go-ride). As long as I'm around, we're going every year. I love that kid. I love everyone.
And, of course, what would life be like if I didn't have to deal with people's problems, namely their love lives? There's one person who I kinda wanted to tell to STFU, and one who I geniunely want to help because he's a great friend and he normally doesn't bother me about this kind of thing. I hope things get better for him. I am everyone's doctor.
In short, Carnival, fuck yeah!
-Dr. B |
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| Previews! |
[Apr. 25th, 2009|08:17 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"What a feeling!"-Flashdance
Ok, so I have a lot to say, but not necessarily a lot of time to say it in. My solution to this temporary problem is to make a list for myself so that I know what entries to write in the upcoming day or two. So, behold, a preview (and summary) of what's to come.
-Carnival and the wonder that it was (which may be two entries; one on how much fun and all the random things that happened, one on all my friends' drama)
-The ideas of trust and forgiveness. If you've ever read this before, you kind of know how I feel about having my trust betrayed. The new thing, I suppose, is this weird ability (I blame church) to forgive. Sure, trust must be re-earned, and one must try to be better (after all, what's redemption if nothing you do can bring you to it?), but forgiveness is possible. If you're not too lazy or apathetic to work for it, of course.
-My upcoming summer schedule and the insanity that will surround it.
-The ironies of my church job and some of the things I'm being asked to do/consider (trust me, this is funny).
-Juju's going away party and his subsequent leaving me for months without a beautiful black gay man to love and adore (no him, no Jamar...what is the world coming to?)
-Dr. B |
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| Knowing what you want does not equal doing it |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|01:15 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"These words are my own"-Natasha Bedingfield
...
I need to learn how to not be an idiot. Seriously, now I'm just being lame.
Also, if anyone wants to hang out with my little cousin and I at Carnival, hit me up around 1.
-Dr. B |
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| Just my imagination... |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|09:13 pm] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Until I hear it from you..."-Gin Blossoms
Y'know, I was trying to practice guitar, had my computer up so I could look up chords, and now everybody is trying to talk to me. I know I complain about not being popular, but Jeebus!
Also, why has Little Black Sandals suddenly become the hot topic of conversation? In the past week, those shoes have come up in five different conversations. Guess how many conversations they came up in in prior months? Zero. When it rains it pours I suppose.
Speaking of shoes I can't fucking wear, I ran into Ballet Flats today. My brain has come up with a list of reasons why these shoes are bad for me, but I still kinda want to wear them. I want to wear all sorts of shoes that are bad for me. I need to learn my lessons.
Y'know how I have this thing where I'll picture something going perfectly in my head, thus ensuring that it will never go that way? That's happening again. It wouldn't be so bad, except that I feel that I have proof that perhaps what I WISH were happening is actually happening. That is to say, I have just enough encouragement to delude myself. I really wish the other person involved in this would just come out and be honest, and I really wish I could just say what the fuck I'm talking about, but that's WAY too risky for me to try. I'm not an idiot, y'know. Not completely, anyway.
Seriously, ANOTHER person wants to talk to me? When it rains it pours.
-Dr. B |
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