| Changes in the line up |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|09:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Unknown | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Steeler Game | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"And they're all made out of ticky-tacky and they all look the same."-Weeds
Oh man, it's been a long time since I last posted in this, eh? Things have just been so busy. Where do I even begin?
I gave my first sermon ever a few weeks ago. It went really well, and the kids seemed to respond well to it. I made my boss cry. I think she would've cried regardless, as she usually cries whenever she's proud of her kids (and I don't care how old I get, I'm still going to be one of her kids), but I also think she really liked it. Brian and Wil were also pretty impressed. That, along with some other events the week of the mission trip, helped clarify some things for me. I'm going to wait until I know it won't be a problem for me, and then I'm going to go to seminary. I still want to be a playwright, and I still want to go out and make a difference in the world, but I think this is a way I can do that. People say that you shouldn't go to seminary unless you feel called to ministry by God, and I always wondered about that. How do you know? Right now, I get it. For my whole life, writing and theatre have been what make me feel alive, make me feel like life is worth living. Church makes me feel that way, too. I want to spend the rest of my life using my skills to go out and show people that God loves all people, including the GLBT ones, and that no one can tell you otherwise. I want to spread the word that God made us the way we are, and that we're okay. I can do this through playwriting (I'm working on that right now, actually), but I can also do this through ministry. I just know I'm meant for this.
I start grad school in a week. Everybody asks me if I'm excited. I say I'm scared. No one has gotten that reference thus far. I am scared, though. Am I really ready for this? Will I do well? Will people like me? Will people give me a hard time for being of the rainbow persuasion? I'm always really nervous in new situations. I bet it'll be okay. I bet I'll do well and make friends and, who knows, maybe even more. Just have to stay positive.
Speaking of which, there may be another set of shoes. I was avoiding talking about it, since I didn't want to jinx it, but I'm certain I already have, so I might as well. They are Keens, shoes that I want very much as I really like them, but for some reason never seem to have. I mean, I can name a million reasons why I don't ever have shoes. I dunno, this pair seem kinda cool. It would be nice to check them out again, to see how much I really want to wear them. I just need to get the chance. Damn it, how come I never get a chance?
So, I'm in the middle of moving. My new place is a mess because of all the boxes and stuff, and I still have more stuff at the old place. I have a comfy new bed, though. I like that. I need to decorate the place. I need to organize things. I need to do a lot of things. I don't know when I'll do them. I'll ask someone for help; I need it.
I wish I wasn't broke all the time. I wish my new place would just be perfect. I wish I had bus fare. I wish I had a pair of shoes. I wish time would reveal things.
-Dr. B |
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| Lessons in Living |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The Could be the Last Time"-Lights Resolve | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"If you could only see I'm different than before."-Kate Micucci
The amount of time it would take me to post about NYC is WAY greater than the amount of time I have to write this entry. I'll do it sometime later. Incidentally, you could also just find me and ask me about it. I'd love to tell stories.
What I'm actually concerned about is something that happened while I was over there, as well as something that happened here during Pgh Pride. Well, a few somethings, really. I've come to some interesting conclusions, though I'm not sure how I feel about them. Right now it's pretty indifferent. That may change.
First off, being in NYC three years after coming out was certainly a big deal. I remember that scared kid, standing alone on Christopher Street, surrounded by really funny lesbians, terrified that they'd assume I was one of them, or worse, assume I wasn't and cast me aside. I didn't who I was or what I was or anything, and as much as I wanted to be there, I also wanted to run away. I remember slinking into the Oscar Wilde bookstore, trying to hide my face as I looked around, curious and embarrassed at the same time. I remember buying three things there: a rainbow belt, a book on bisexuality, and a bracelet. I was so nervous about reading that damned book that I hunched over on the subway so that no one would be able to see it. I wore my bracelet with defiance; no one really noticed it, so it was like my own little secret. Whenever someone did notice it, I cowered away and quickly changed the subject. I only wore the belt during Pride; why else would I blatantly broadcast a sexuality I wasn't even sure belong to me? I was so unsure of who I was and so afraid to find out, yet I was anxious to see who I COULD be. When I left that fateful weekend in July, someone different came back. Sure, she was still afraid of the subway and hid her bracelet, but at least she knew why.
This time around, everything was different. I wasn't scared or shy. I knew nobody was paying attention to my (new) bracelet, but that was because I had rainbow suspenders and a shirt declaring my bisexuality. I wore my belt everywhere (except, ironically, to Pride, because of the suspenders). I openly checked out both men and women. When strangers asked me questions, I answered them. I had no shame. I was proud to be who I was, who I am. That scared kid never came back. I don't miss her.
Part of my newfound acceptance is knowing that some things have changed about my limits, and that's okay. There are certain things I would never do in public before. There are certain things I would never do with other people, and certainly not people I just met. Now, well, I don't care anymore. I'm not doing anyone any harm. I'm not hurting myself. I'm not doing anything extremely obscene, and I'm sticking to my personal morals. I'm not even having sex (and still don't plan on doing it anytime soon). I used to be so uptight and judgemental about things, and now, I don't care. I don't feel bad. I know what my limits are, I know when to stop. Until I reach that point, I'm doing just fine.
Most importantly, I know who I am, and I know what that means. I realized this weekend that, while I find boys very attractive, and some boys very funny and smart and charming, I also find them boring. Thinking about them romantically doesn't hold the same value as it once did, nor as it does for girls. I've been avoiding saying this for awhile, as I wasn't sure whether or not it was true, but now I know: I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy. I know saying that will no doubt make my life more complicated. Does that mean you're gay? No, it doesn't. Do you mean ALL men? Well, if I met one who I didn't find boring, I'd certainly love to go out with him. In fact, I've met a couple in recent memory, but they weren't the norm and they weren't interested. So, if you still like boys a little, you could just date of one them since it's easier, right? No. I don't date people because it's convenient, or because they fall into my lap and it's easier that way. I date people because, for some reason or another, I like them and am attracted to them on more than a physical level. If I meet a man who has all that and wants to date me, then fine, but I'm telling you right now that it's unlikely. I'm connecting with women, I'm more attracted to women, and all the people I've liked recently have been women. I still get to wear blue, purple, and (ick) pink, I still get to keep my bi card, and I still get to change my mind six months or a year or ten years from now, just like I did when I stopped thinking that girls were totally gross, just like I did when I had a gf but still looked at guys all the time. That's the beauty of not being monosexual: I can come as close or far to either side of the spectrum and still be bi. You don't get a say in that.
Pride has done wonders to me.
-Dr. B |
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| Rhapsody in Gay, Part 3: Dancing with Dorothy |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|09:34 am] |
Song lyric of the moment:
Sometimes, you need to be around some of your own.
Last week was Pride week for Pittsburgh. Now, I'll admit that I've been feeling a bit...what's the word...claustrophobic as of late in my closet with my straight friends. Not that I felt the need to hide myself, it's just that most of them are coupled, and they're being all couply and doing couply things, which means they're not exactly cutting edge. Having to watch couples of any kind canoodle is gross, but it's extra gross when they do it while blowing you off for watching the game at your favorite gay bar. The people I used to love for being cool enough to go to the places I was too scared to go to alone have turned into cutesy little versions of themselves. It's pretty gross. I needed an escape.
Escape came in a few forms. First Catie Scudera, best friend of the friends of Dorothy, came back and hung out and was generally the amazing person she is. Y'know how Joni Mitchell said that you don't know what you've got til it's gone? Catie's one of those people. We went with Erika to see this thing on sexuality and religion (where I ran into several members of my choir-awesome!) and then out with our old classmate Deanna to see (I kid you not) banjos. It was fun and not couply and a great time.
Next came the Pride Pub Crawl. Thanks to a combination of birthday events, the Pens game, and sheer lameness, everyone bailed on me. At the last minute I convinced Jamar to go, but that didn't end up working out the way we'd hoped. Still, determined, I decided that I was going to have the best Pride event ever, so I went from bar to bar, meeting new people and getting my free drink. While doing this, I met three friends, two a couple, one the employee of one of them. They were really cool and fun, and I had a great time. The non-coupled one, she was single, and well, you do the math (although don't do it TOO much. This is still me we're talking about). Needless to say, I had a great night.
Sunday was the parade. We only had 4 people from the church march, but we were strong and had fun. I sang at PrideFest with some other women from choir as a roaming quartet, and it worked out pretty well. I wasn't the best, but I held my own and built up some confidence in the process. Afterwards, ATV and I wandered around and looked at all the stuff. We saw a silver man and ate some tasty food (I still can't get the cheese fries out of my head). We ran into Eli and hung out with him afterwards. It was a blast.
Pride week was the best it's ever been, and I still have NYC Pride to look forward to next week! I'm super excited about it, but I'm also really happy at what happened here. I feel much better, much more confident, and far less confined by the world of straight couples. It's a really great feeling, one that I continue to carry even though other elements of my week have been cripplingly awful (an entry for another time). I am slowly carving a nitch for myself in the Pgh GLBTQ community. About damn time!
-Dr. B |
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| Rhapsody in Gay, Part 2: Hidden Behind the Fold |
[May. 30th, 2009|10:25 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"I can see things clearer. It's all smoke and mirrors."-Ben Lee
To some extent, I get it.
I've always been shy, and I've always been nervous. What people think of me usually matters way more than it should. I don't always have the right thing to say, and I'm not in the best of shape, but the one thing I can say about myself is that I'm fairly honest. Sure, I tell little white lies every now and then, but on the big stuff, I tell the truth (or at least, what I believe to be the truth. Sometimes I'm wrong, and I'm willing to admit that). For things specifically about me, it took a while for me to not be ashamed of them, but once I got over that, I ever became indifferent or proud. I can't control how big my boobs are. I'm probably always going to be one of the few black kids in my groups of friends, and that's okay. I'm not your stereotypical black person, but I know where I come from, so fuck you for calling me "white." I'm not having sex, I haven't had sex, and I probably won't have sex in the near future; the reasons make sense in my head, and if you can't handle that, we have nothing more to discuss. Boys are very cute, and some of them are quite lovely and I've love to go out with them, but I like girls as well and I'm not ashamed of that. Not anymore.
Still, not everyone is me. People are scared, people don't like themselves. Sometimes, people don't feel that the whole truth is necessary. Parents may threaten you, disown you. People may shun you. So you lie. I get it.
What I don't get, however, is lying to yourself.
A little while ago, you weren't ashamed of who you are and who you like. Being gay or bi or lez or whatever wasn't a huge part of your life, but it was something because it was part of who YOU are. Now, things are different. You don't want your boyfriend to think of you differently than he does in his mind. Your more conservative friends have become the norm. Whatever the reason, you're now back in the closet. You don't talk about "gay" things anymore. You act straighter. You make no mention of how you used to be. You're supressing. You're hiding.
Why? Do you seriously think the fallout will be so great? It never killed you before, did it? Nothing bad ever happened, and yet here you are, back to a less enlightened place. Your friends would leave you? They haven't yet, and if that's seriously what makes them walk, then they weren't worth it (and I know that's easier to say than to deal with, but it's true). If your boyfriend can't handle you also liking girls, then he's not worthy of you and your relationship will never be fully realized because you will always be lying. It's hard, I know. Life is hard. Lying doesn't make it easier; it just makes it hard in a different way.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit over the top. I have rainbow stuff all over my apartment. I have GLBT books and buttons. I prefer gay bars and clubs to straight ones. I talk about being bi all the time. The fact of the matter, though, is that I'm lonely. I don't know many people my age, and most of them are too busy to spend any time with me. I'm surrounded by straight couples and people who tell me I'm going through a phase. I do what I need to do not to feel like I'm being forced to agree. It sucks, but I do it. Why can't you?
-Dr. B
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| Rhapsody in Gay, Part 1: A Gayfully Glee Noise |
[May. 27th, 2009|05:38 pm] |
Song lyric of the moment-"If you wanna sing out, sing out"-Cat Stevens
This is the first of a trilogy.
Two weeks ago from this Friday, I performed on stage, in robes, with a choir, for the first time since high school. I sang on stage for the first time since junior year of college. Needless to say, I was a bit nervous. I had no reason to be.
First off, being the new kid has always come with its share of anxieties. Do I fit in with the group? Will the others like me? Am I being myself? Am I being too much of myself? Choir was no different, and it didn't help that I was the youngest one there. Should I be treating these women as my equals? Do I pay them the same respect as I do my friends' parents (hell, one of them WAS my friend's parent!)? Is there any kind of generation gap I should know about? Turns out, not really. It took me long enough, but I actually made friends. People are really nice and considerate and funny. The woman I stood beside, her name is Lisa, and she's a riot. People cracked jokes backstage. Lots of people asked me how I enjoyed performing and if I'd return next semester. Everyone was just so...caring. I felt like I was a little cousin in a family.
Second, the singing. Oh man, the singing! I joined the choir because I missed singing, but I didn't realize just HOW much I had missed it. I worked so hard on the music, and I only messed up two songs (one was in Italian and the other I learned the day before the concert). People said they could hear me, which meant I wasn't cowering in the corner and not singing out. It was such a rush to be under the lights, smiling and sweating and pretending to smoke (everyone thought that was funny). I truly felt alive.
Third, support. We had a contest to see who could sell the most tickets. I don't know if I won, but I know I sold a lot. When I came out after the show on Friday, the whole hall was filled with people I knew. Even my mom came! It was super exciting to see so many friends who supported me enough to buy a ticket and come. I'm so lucky to have so many people who love and care about me. I'm also highly amused at how cute my boss is when she's proud of someone; she's like a little mom!
All in all, a great experience. I can't wait to do it again!
-Dr. B |
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| "There's a part of you that wants to fight, but I never really had the appetite." |
[May. 7th, 2009|10:33 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Leave it to be taken upon the breeze. The wind is always blowing."-Gomez
My power cord is officially dead. Broken in at least 5 places. The good news is at least I have a new one on the way. Sigh...
Had my last day of youth group yesterday. There were some fights and some inappropriate name calling. I don't get it. What is going on in these kids heads that makes them think that this stuff is okay, in a church no less? Some of the kids just live in a world of their own. Some have some real issues, which is why we fight so hard to keep them where they are. I've tried my best to relax my attitude a bit and not be so quick to rise; they don't need my anger, and when they do, it's more effective if it's not my default mode. I told one kid that he was too nice and too smart and too beautiful to use the ugly words he was using, and I gave him the option of apologizing or going to talk to my boss (which isn't exactly a punishment). He chose to apologize and he did. I was impressed. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wonder if we get through to them. I guess sometimes we do.
I've been thinking about Caroline Broome lately. I suppose that's because she's the last real friend I lost. That really killed me, y'know? This right now, losing another friend, hurts as well. It hurts a lot. It's not the same, though. With Caroline, it was the first time it happened, and I had known her for 4 years, and I just didn't understand why it was happening. This, well, I did what I could. I tried to be patient. I was honest. I was direct and said what I wanted. It brought about nothing but silence. There's nothing else I can do. I guess that really sucks, too, to know you've done all you could in a situation and the other person still can't or won't meet you half way. I can't either way that things would be okay if he talked to me today, because I honestly don't know. I've lost faith that he will, though. He's surprised me with his callousness. He continues to live his life and doesn't miss me as his friend. I just have to move on, I guess. I have tons of friends, and yes, losing one hurts, but I went down fighting. I don't know what he did. He did nothing. At least Caroline apologized. Four years later, she apologized.
I'm tired of hearing about people's relationship drama. I know that I'm supposed to be a good friend and a good listener, but do I have to hear about everyone's drama. How many people have situations of not being over people? How many people can't sort things out? How many people are just simply with the wrong person? No one takes my advice anyway, and it kind of sucks to be surrounded by couples and people in emotional turmoil when it's just me, alone. I just need a break. I can't be the doctor all the time, can I? I need a doctor.
-Dr. B |
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| Let's all go to the Carnival |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|05:46 pm] |
Song lyric of the moment-"I am yours for as long as you will have me"-The Bird and the Bee
So, last weekend was Carnival. For most college students, CMU Carnival is about booth, buggy, free concerts, and getting completely smashed. For most alumni, it's about remembering glory days of booth and buggy, going to reunions with free food, and getting completely smashed. For me, it was about...well, most of those things. Not the getting smashed part, though. I stayed pretty sober.
I got to judge booth and that was fun. Now I know what booths are judged on. I wish I had known that when I was building. It makes me sad that I'll never be able to participate in that again, but the memories are all really positive, so it works out. Sometimes I wonder which I miss more: actually being in college or the memories of being in college. I mean, I'm going back to college soon (yay grad school), but it'll never be the same as before. It's not like freshman year, when I watched people moving onto Midway from a Morewood window. Or like sophomore year, when I was known as "the only person who looks good in those damned green dresses" during the Wiz. Or junior year working booth with Catie Scudera. Or senior year, when I got to dress up in Ben's suit and work booth with my girlfriend. I don't live in Morewood anymore. Kami, Danielle, Courtney, and the rest of the SnS gang I went to school with isn't around anymore (and I can't that damned dress anymore). Catie's been in India. I don't have a suit and I'm single (for now at least...). I don't get to buld booth anymore; I haven't been in a play in years. Things are just different. It's not good or bad, just different. Walking around booth with old friends (especially Kwasi) was great, and not having any responsibilites was great (I took the day off of work). Life, for a few days at least, was perfect.
Some things don't change, though. People came into town. I saw Laurel and Granger and Ash. Man, I love folks, but I didn't realize how much I miss Granger until I got to see him. I wish he was around all the time. One of us will have to move so that we can always hang. It's too important. Also the same? Aaron's sedar, which continues to be a yearly highlight. Tristan and I did our usual Saturday at Midway. It's so great, he's getting older and talks A LOT now (he's giving me a run for my money) and can do most of the booths now. He also got a free stuffed animal, because he always gets free stuff. He made me buy him something, too: a maroon (his favorite color) monkey that he quickly named "Ms. Lindsay" (this from the kid who named my stuffed otter "Uncle Cecil"). He clearly missed the irony in that. He also rode fewer rides, which meant more fun for me (I hate that stupid merry-go-ride). As long as I'm around, we're going every year. I love that kid. I love everyone.
And, of course, what would life be like if I didn't have to deal with people's problems, namely their love lives? There's one person who I kinda wanted to tell to STFU, and one who I geniunely want to help because he's a great friend and he normally doesn't bother me about this kind of thing. I hope things get better for him. I am everyone's doctor.
In short, Carnival, fuck yeah!
-Dr. B |
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| Previews! |
[Apr. 25th, 2009|08:17 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"What a feeling!"-Flashdance
Ok, so I have a lot to say, but not necessarily a lot of time to say it in. My solution to this temporary problem is to make a list for myself so that I know what entries to write in the upcoming day or two. So, behold, a preview (and summary) of what's to come.
-Carnival and the wonder that it was (which may be two entries; one on how much fun and all the random things that happened, one on all my friends' drama)
-The ideas of trust and forgiveness. If you've ever read this before, you kind of know how I feel about having my trust betrayed. The new thing, I suppose, is this weird ability (I blame church) to forgive. Sure, trust must be re-earned, and one must try to be better (after all, what's redemption if nothing you do can bring you to it?), but forgiveness is possible. If you're not too lazy or apathetic to work for it, of course.
-My upcoming summer schedule and the insanity that will surround it.
-The ironies of my church job and some of the things I'm being asked to do/consider (trust me, this is funny).
-Juju's going away party and his subsequent leaving me for months without a beautiful black gay man to love and adore (no him, no Jamar...what is the world coming to?)
-Dr. B |
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| Knowing what you want does not equal doing it |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|01:15 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"These words are my own"-Natasha Bedingfield
...
I need to learn how to not be an idiot. Seriously, now I'm just being lame.
Also, if anyone wants to hang out with my little cousin and I at Carnival, hit me up around 1.
-Dr. B |
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| Just my imagination... |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|09:13 pm] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Until I hear it from you..."-Gin Blossoms
Y'know, I was trying to practice guitar, had my computer up so I could look up chords, and now everybody is trying to talk to me. I know I complain about not being popular, but Jeebus!
Also, why has Little Black Sandals suddenly become the hot topic of conversation? In the past week, those shoes have come up in five different conversations. Guess how many conversations they came up in in prior months? Zero. When it rains it pours I suppose.
Speaking of shoes I can't fucking wear, I ran into Ballet Flats today. My brain has come up with a list of reasons why these shoes are bad for me, but I still kinda want to wear them. I want to wear all sorts of shoes that are bad for me. I need to learn my lessons.
Y'know how I have this thing where I'll picture something going perfectly in my head, thus ensuring that it will never go that way? That's happening again. It wouldn't be so bad, except that I feel that I have proof that perhaps what I WISH were happening is actually happening. That is to say, I have just enough encouragement to delude myself. I really wish the other person involved in this would just come out and be honest, and I really wish I could just say what the fuck I'm talking about, but that's WAY too risky for me to try. I'm not an idiot, y'know. Not completely, anyway.
Seriously, ANOTHER person wants to talk to me? When it rains it pours.
-Dr. B |
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| The stages |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|05:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Chasing Pavements"-Adele | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"I hate everything about you"-Three Days Grace
I was having a talk with ATV last night and came up with something interesting. When you have a falling out with someone (a break up, a loss of friendship, family issues, whatever), and you were NOT the party that terminated the situation, there are stages you go through to get back to normal. I'm not sure how many people make it to the later stages, but I find it interesting regardless. They are:
1) "This was all a mistake. Things will be back to normal in no time."
2) "Why is it taking them so long to come back and make things normal again?"
3) "Oh, God! Please, I'll do anything to go back to the way it used to be!"
4) "Things will never be the same again. I will lose myself in booze/parties/pity."
5) "This isn't worth it anymore. I won't let another person destroy me."
6) "Look what I overcame! Fuck you, you hear me? Fuck you!"
7) "I'm awesome. Fuck you."
8) "It's not that I hate you anymore, I just never need to see you again."
9) "It's not that I hate you or that I want things the way they were before. I guess I just miss your company. Maybe we could be friends?"
10) "We can coexist peacefully. We can be a part of each other's lives again. All is right with the world."
ATV is at stage 7 or 8 (he thinks he's at 8, I think he's at 7) with this one person. As for me? I'm at a 9 with a few different people; if any of them actually reached out at all, I could probably work that into some 10s. Of course, this is my life we're talking about, where I'm the only one who ever extends olive branches. I'd be legitimately impressed if any of them did, though. Sigh.
Sometimes I'm surrounded by people and couldn't feel more lonely.
-Dr. B |
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| Four is a beautiful number |
[Apr. 7th, 2009|01:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Evil"-Interpol | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Why can't we look the other way?"-Interpol
Crises aside, I'm totally dancing at my desk right now.
WAY TO GO, VERMONT!
And by the legislature, too. Take that, fundamentalists who claim it's all about the "activist judges."
Anybody wanna marry me and live on a hippie commune in Vermont? Because I'm totally cool with that concept.
-Dr. B |
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| Self-realizations |
[Apr. 3rd, 2009|04:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Coin-Operated Boy"-Dresden Dolls | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"That is why I want a coin-operated boy"-Dresden Dolls
Ever have something really big happen in the world around you and it suddenly puts you on this track where suddenly stuff that was bothering you starts to REALLY get to you and you're in the middle of a crisis or something? Okay, I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way, I think.
It starts with Iowa.
So, Iowa did this amazing thing today and made gay marriage legal. Iowa. Name three things Iowa is famous for besides corn, their caucus, and Radar O'Reilly. Exactly. In the middle of the Bible Belt, the gays can get married. I could write lots of commentary and such, but I feel like all you really need to know is this is FUCKING HUGE. Even better? The Iowa politicians don't seem to be upset over this and don't seem to really want to put a constitutional amendment against this on the table anytime soon. Could that change? Of course. Am I hopeful that things will be okay for a bit? Yes.
Of course, the fact that gay marriage got a thumbs up got me thinking about being half gay (I think I'm gonna use that more) and about marriage and about being 23 and watching my friends get engaged and married and living happily together while I come home to my roommate and sleep next to a stuffed dog and oh God, I'm going to be single forever. I'm going to spend the rest of my life falling for boys who are more interested in my thinner, girlyer, more beautiful friends, and for girls who aren't interested in relationships or feelings or girls or me. I'm going to go out into a world of happy couples and pretty people and continue to be too awkward or too ugly or too nervous to ever catch anyone's attention and join their ranks. I'm going to make money writing stories and plays with characters who resemble me in some fashion but are successful and get the boy or the girl and smile at people who like my work while knowing that I'm really just living through my characters. I'm going to get used to people I want to be with telling me how cool and fun and smart and awesome I am and having to hold back snapping at them "who gives a shit if you think I'm awesome? you still don't want to go out with me." Oh man, I really AM going to be alone forever.
Tell me, isn't my quarter life crisis supposed to be over yet?
-Dr. B |
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| I'm too tired to speak in code, so I'll just avoid the subject... |
[Mar. 23rd, 2009|12:33 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"And you, and you, and you, you're gonna love me"-Dreamgirls
I really, REALLY dislike the use of the acronym FML. It's just as easy to say "fuck my life," as it has the same number of syllables. It just seems lazy, especially when done in real conversation (internet convos don't annoy me less, though). Seriously, unless you're posting to FMyLife.com, FML is pointless. Don't do it.
Having said that, fuck my life.
I get it. I really do. I'm a good listener. I'm a problem solver. I'm the responsible one who will look out for you because I like you and it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I get good advice. Most of the time, I like being that person. It's a good person to be, I believe. It's just...am I everybody's big sister? Everybody keeps saying I'm such a good friend. They respect me. I'm so nice. I'm too nice. What do these things even mean? I will act like a complete jerk, and people STILL say this stuff. Am I so bad at being not nice that everyone mistakes it for nice? Is the only way to get past this to show my true, jerky self? Okay, I suppose that's kinda an exaggeration, but I feel like the kid who's trying to taken seriously while everyone calls her cute (something else I'm often called). Dr. Bailey isn't that kind of doctor.
Of course, I'll wake up tomorrow and realize this is a stupid thing to be complaining about. People think you're nice? What a tragedy! I guess...I guess I just want to be seen as something more.
-Dr. B |
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| The Jesus Sandal Syndrome |
[Mar. 17th, 2009|11:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Control yourself, take only what you need from it"-MGMT
Happy St. Patrick's Day, Internet!
So, in the spirit of getting drunk and saying inappropriate things, I will do one of those (the latter). At the moment, I am in a fight. Not the physical kind, mind you; I've never been in a real fight in my life. Not the kind against society or humanity, or even my own inner demons. Nope, this time, I'm in a fight against my own emotional stupidity. I'm trying to protect myself from the effects of what I have recently deemed "The Jesus Sandal Syndrome."
So, remember Jesus Sandals and how lovely they were and how enamored I was with them? Remember what came of that? Nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Which, once I realized that that was all that was ever going to happen, was fine. It wasn't worth my effort. I was completely over Jesus Sandals...until I saw them again. They're just so comfortable, so fun, so...inviting. I really wanted to buy them, to wear them. But, alas, I couldn't and cannot, and it's silly for me to sit around with the vague hope that I may indeed be able to enjoy those sandals one day. Still, enough hope lived that I couldn't truly get over Jesus Sandals. Hence, Jesus Sandal Syndrome is born.
You know you don't stand a chance, but one glimmer comes by every once in a while that makes you hold on. A touch in the right place. A special smile. A laugh that sounds a bit more genuine that normal. A curiously worded sentence. You're hooked again, even though you know it's bad for you. You're a slave to it.
I will not fall victim to JSS again.
-Dr. B |
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| Life as I know it |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|02:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Come Down"-Toad the Wet Sprocket | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Forgave myself, and if that's a sin, it's not enough for you'd even know it"-Toad the Wet Sprocket
I don't quite understand my life.
I mean, some stuff I get. My relationship with my dad is, well, nonexistent, and my relationship with my mom is rocky at times, smooth at others. My jobs continue to require more time and energy than I really want to give, and sometimes leave me frustrated. My financial situations continue to plague me. The shoes I really want are being worn by another, and the shoes I'd kind of like are impossible for me to even try on. All of these would be enough for me to begin to process and ultimately lose it.
Thing is, none of these are causing me to lose it.
I don't know what's going on with me. I really don't. I mean, I thought I knew. I kept replaying this one memory from a couple of summers ago where I got into a big fight with Lindsay and did, well, something very stupid. I don't even remember what the fight was over. The thing is, I just kept thinking about my new friends and wondering if they'd ever be able to accept that girl, the one who will spend the rest of her life fighting for nights like that not to happen, who will have to live with herself for hurting herself and others. I honestly didn't think so. I really like them, but my friends, two in particular, seemed like the kind of people who wouldn't understand, hold things against me. In an attempt to remain social, I went out, but I couldn't get myself together, so I just left without saying anything. Turns out, they were both really worried. I ended up confessing to one of them, who handled it fairly well, I think. I haven't told the other one, yet, but I will. In being afraid of their rejection, I ended up judging them, which isn't right or fair. They're good people. They're my friends.
So, now that things are out in the open and okay, I should feel better, right? Well, yes. Thing is, I don't. I still have this weight in my chest, this worry that won't go away. I feel like I'm this horrible person, this failure, but I don't know why. I'm a good person. I always try to do the right thing, even if I screw it up. I work hard and, when I don't goof off, I can do anything (including getting into grad school). I'm not really heartbroken or enraged, so what could it be? I feel like I'm being so crushingly hard on myself, as if I need to be this perfect person that doesn't exist and never has, but I also don't know how to stop it. I've been having trouble sleeping and having some spells during the middle of the day. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't have a clue how to go about fixing it. There's nothing wrong! This shouldn't be happening.
-Dr. B |
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| I will never be able to say this in real life... |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|10:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Shelter | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Her Morning Elegance"-Oren Lavie | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"And she fights for her life as she goes to the store"-Oren Lavie
I just want to get this out. I will never say it out loud, because, well, there's no point. But I need to get it out of my system.
Yes, I respect what you said. I understand completely. You aren't the type to experience emotions, and, even if you were, you probably wouldn't feel them for me. I respect that. It's just...give me a chance. I know, you did, in a way. But this would be different. Before, I was nervous and awkward because, well, being around you made me nervous and awkward. I just wanted to impress you. I haven't met anyone worth impressing in a while, and, well, you're about the coolest person I've met in a long time. I'm not nervous all the time, though. I can be charming and romantic...if you like that. I can also just be really cool, in a really geeky way. People seem to like me. And, if I thought I had a chance, I'd wait for you, wait for a day where you might be willing to give me a shot, because you're worth it. You're funny, and smart, and interesting, and really dorky in a way that I like. It's not just the selfish things, though. It's you. You as a person are just...well, you get it. The same things that were making me be a nervous loser around you made me want to be a good person. Well, a better person. A person who would let you get to know her. Most people don't know me, not the real me, because I'm so scared to show people that person. You, you were different. I can't explain it, you just were. I almost shared myself, and I stopped, which was good, as you immediately told me you weren't interested. And I'm gonna move on, I promise, it's just...I haven't met anyone as cool as you in awhile, and it's tough, because I had hope in you. And I don't mean to put any pressure on you, which is why I don't tell you this, but I'm just saying, I like you. I like that you're Christina. Folks like me, we admire Christina. I could be Owen, if you'd let me. Not as emotionally fucked, but you know what I mean. I know you won't, and that's okay, but if you'd be willing to try, I'd wait. Even if you still decided no, you'd be worth it. You'd always be worth it.
I'm glad I have you, lj. It means I don't have to say these things to the people who matter.
-Dr. B |
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| Shoeless Nation |
[Feb. 14th, 2009|01:56 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Shelter | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Little Weapon"-Lupe Fiasco | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"I, I will survive"-Gloria Gaynor
Not in the best state to write this, but we'll roll with the punches...
I can't deal with this. Ballet Flats don't want to be worn, but talks about things as if they do...torturous. And don't get me started on Kitten Heels. I don't have a shot in hell, nor do I want one...well, not a real one. I don't want to wear them, or to buy them, but maybe just a...sizing, I suppose? I don't even know. It's a terrible situation. It's like, if I could get what I want out of Kitten Heels, I'd go for it, but I don't want to just size shoes and then leave them; that's not my style, nor is it right. But, she doesn't want to be purchased, she doesn't want to be worn. And, try as I might, I still want Ballet Flats. I can't fucking get past these damned shoes. How can I like a pair of shoes so much? I haven't liked a pair this much since Little Black Sandals, and it's driving me insane.
I have a solution. You may not like it, but it's a solution. I denounce shoes. I give up. I don't need shoes anymore. I am officially a member of the Shoeless Nation. Yes, this sucks. A lot. But, the only way I'm going to get past my issues with B.F. is if I make them a complete impossibility, and this seems like the best way to do it. Hate on my all you want, but it's cars only for now. Which means, a change in desktop is in order.
Man, this is gonna be hard, and it's gonna suck, but I need this. I have to get past the Flats.
-Dr. B |
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| Official Announcement |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|12:27 am] |
Song lyric of the moment-"Finally, it has happened to me!"-CeCe Penniston
Dear Internet,
I got into Grad School.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all.
-Dr. B |
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| Boredom... |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|02:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Shelter | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The Coolest"-Lupe Fiasco | ] |
Song lyric of the moment-"She watches the rain as it pours"-Oren Lavie
Nina suggested that, the next time I'm bored and don't have enough work to do, I should attempt to learn a language (if you've met her, this is a very "Nina" thing to say). Perhaps I will try that later, but for now, I think I'll do something far dumber: I will teach the internet how to speak Ashe. Yes, you, too, can pretend to be cool and mix influences of French, television shows, gossip blogs, and geekdom into everyday speech. Or, you can use these to make fun of me, because seriously, I speak very oddly. Just look below:
Ce n'est pas une bonne idee-That's a bad idea (Smoking crack? Ce n'est pas un bon idee!)
Truth-Whatever you just said is correct (Lupe Fiasco is a better rapper than Kanye. Truth.)
Incorrect-Whatever you did or assumed was wrong/you're breaking the rules/cut it out! (Oh ho ho! You really want to run down the hallway after you nearly busted your head? No! Incorrect!)
Can I get that on a t-shirt?-I think whatever you said was hilarious. (I wonder if I can get "can I get that on a t-shirt?" on a t-shirt?)
Yatta!-Success!/Heroes is on! (Yatta! I got into Grad school! Also, it's 9 on a Monday, yatta!)
Hiros-Heroes, pronounced the same as Hiro Nakimura's name
Word-Generic positive response to anything (We on for tonight? -Word. You hungry? -Word. Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg. -Word)
Seriously-I agree with you/I don't know what else to say (Cats are like somersaults. -Seriously.)
Say quoi?-Say what?
We can't be friends-You just said something so ridiculous, I don't really want to admit that we like each other (You're a fan of Inuyasha? We can't be friends.)
I can _____, no problem-I'm fairly certain I can do _____, assuming I don't run out of time and you send me the stuff I need.
So, here's the deal...-The required opening for any explanation
Mais, pourquoi?-But, why? (We're going to watch the Hannah Montana marathon? Mais, pourquoi?)
No one on the corner has swagger like us!-We did/like something really lame/dorky, but I'm pretending it's awesome and cool to make myself feel better
Danke beaucoup-Thanks a bunch!
I'll add more if I think of anything.
-Dr. B |
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