Current location:	Charlotte and Ashley's Dancetime Lounge
Current mood:	confused
Current music:	"Chinese"-Lily Allen

Rhapsody in Gay, Part 2: Hidden Behind the Fold
Song lyric of the moment-"I can see things clearer.  It's all smoke and mirrors."-Ben Lee

To some extent, I get it.

I've always been shy, and I've always been nervous.  What people think of me usually matters way more than it should.  I don't always have the right thing to say, and I'm not in the best of shape, but the one thing I can say about myself is that I'm fairly honest.  Sure, I tell little white lies every now and then, but on the big stuff, I tell the truth (or at least, what I believe to be the truth.  Sometimes I'm wrong, and I'm willing to admit that).  For things specifically about me, it took a while for me to not be ashamed of them, but once I got over that, I ever became indifferent or proud.  I can't control how big my boobs are.  I'm probably always going to be one of the few black kids in my groups of friends, and that's okay.  I'm not your stereotypical black person, but I know where I come from, so fuck you for calling me "white."  I'm not having sex, I haven't had sex, and I probably won't have sex in the near future; the reasons make sense in my head, and if you can't handle that, we have nothing more to discuss.  Boys are very cute, and some of them are quite lovely and I've love to go out with them, but I like girls as well and I'm not ashamed of that.  Not anymore.

Still, not everyone is me.  People are scared, people don't like themselves.  Sometimes, people don't feel that the whole truth is necessary.  Parents may threaten you, disown you.  People may shun you.  So you lie.  I get it.

What I don't get, however, is lying to yourself.

A little while ago, you weren't ashamed of who you are and who you like.  Being gay or bi or lez or whatever wasn't a huge part of your life, but it was something because it was part of who YOU are.  Now, things are different.  You don't want your boyfriend to think of you differently than he does in his mind.  Your more conservative friends have become the norm.  Whatever the reason, you're now back in the closet.  You don't talk about "gay" things anymore.  You act straighter.  You make no mention of how you used to be.  You're supressing.  You're hiding.

Why?  Do you seriously think the fallout will be so great?  It never killed you before, did it?  Nothing bad ever happened, and yet here you are, back to a less enlightened place.  Your friends would leave you?  They haven't yet, and if that's seriously what makes them walk, then they weren't worth it (and I know that's easier to say than to deal with, but it's true).  If your boyfriend can't handle you also liking girls, then he's not worthy of you and your relationship will never be fully realized because you will always be lying.  It's hard, I know.  Life is hard.  Lying doesn't make it easier; it just makes it hard in a different way.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit over the top.  I have rainbow stuff all over my apartment.  I have GLBT books and buttons.  I prefer gay bars and clubs to straight ones.  I talk about being bi all the time.  The fact of the matter, though, is that I'm lonely.  I don't know many people my age, and most of them are too busy to spend any time with me.  I'm surrounded by straight couples and people who tell me I'm going through a phase.  I do what I need to do not to feel like I'm being forced to agree.  It sucks, but I do it.  Why can't you?

-Dr. B